a 3rd

 

 

 

i flew away from home

and created a new life

fifteen years ago

i left the west behind

for her

i stuffed my spirit

my heart, body and soul

into a suitcase with

enough clothes for a week

some dvd's, grooming stuff

an old computer tower

some hope and anticipation

i had no idea what i was in for

 

after 10 months

she hurt herself

and bled 

2 years of trying to

stay positive while

your life is being sucked dry

by someone's borderline mind

manic depression is a frustrating mess

jimmy knew what he was singing about

2 years of growth and optimism

and after almost 5 years 

it finished

moving on

a year of weirdness 

followed by a few months 

of solitude 

another fascination popped

into my life

and me

too fast

too lonely

let them in

love works in strange ways

managing the fears of someone else

is so tiring

being nagged and judged is just as so

especially when you are ill and are 

preoccupied with living and not getting

stressed until you cry

when you don't stand up for yourself

the effects are unbearable

then you snap 

and you have to make a decision

to hurt someone before it goes awry

and you regret what you've become

july 19 of 2019 was the worst day of my life

but the choice made has brought me 

to the here and now

the last 3rd has been a challenge

i love myself and where i am

and what i've become

those hard moments made me stronger

wiser

my bullshit-o-meter is sensitive

i will never allow myself to take the same path

the red flags are so obvious 

i am on the straight and narrow

to the end